9/10/2003 This was the start of my bedside stay with my Mom the last day and 1/2 of her life. I was mad at my sister because she came over from Cinn. to sit by her bed. She had really not paid too much attention to my Mom in years, and often really hurt my Mom's feelings, but now, she wanted to be there for her death. I think she needed to be there and I think she was actually more sad about the whole thing, in a way, then I was. I was devistated mind you, but I really had no regrets. I had said and done most of what I needed to do. My Mom knew that I loved her and my actions had proven that love time and again, over the years. My sister, on the other hand, was remorseful that she had missed so much. Now, that time was gone. She kept holding my Mom's hand and saying sweet things to her and I wanted to smack her and say, "Where were all these nice things all these years, when Mom missed you and just wanted a little attention'"? I had to bite my tongue and not say anything. I did feel that she was horning in on my special time with my Mom and I wanted to be there for her as she passed from this world to the next. I was selfish, I know. But, I did not want her with me. I am glad, now six years later, that she was there. There are so many things I have done in my life, alone. I will get into my lonely marriage later, but I am glad I was not alone, when my Mother died. We both held her hand and recited the 23rd psalm. Sounds like a movie. We finished, she took her last breaths, and she was gone. It was weird. The woman that had brought me into this world, I had help take out of this world. It seemed appropriate that both her children were there.

Six years ago today, was the last time I heard my Mom's voice, well, I talked with her. She was talking in the morning, by the time I got back to the hospital, from taking Fritz to kindergarten, she was in a comma. She said good-bye to my cousins, who visited and spoke with my sister, but was not able to communicate, once I got back. I was not ready to end our conversations. I still had so much to tell her and so much to learn from her. The thirty nine years were wonderful, but they were not enough. The one comfort I had, was that I had an opportunity to say good-bye. When people die in an accident, or suddenly, there is no time to say your good-byes. When someone is ill, even for a brief time. Their is some closure, because you have time to process the fact that they are leaving this planet and will not be with you anymore, on a physical level. It is a weird thing to go through, and you really do go through many emotions. I was mad, I was not accepting. I said "I would NOT be putting her body in the ground. The hands that kept me healthy and stroked my forehead when I was sick. The hands that worked so hard for so many years to provide me all the things I wanted, but did not necessarily need. My Mom had always been so generous, how was I going to let them put her in a box. I will back track next time to before she went into the comma... just wanted to rmember the last day, I heard her voice and said, "good-bye"

I have NOT been keeping up, not that anyone has noticed or cared, for that matter. My dear friend, Kim, lost her Mom, last week. She had had a heart transplant 16 years ago, when she was 63. That is rather un-heard of. She was traveling and if had been at home in Indy, would have been too old to be considered for the transplant. She happened to be where she qualified. I forget how long she waited out of town, to receive her new heart, but it took a while. I remember that was a hard time on their family and she had a very long recovery. Sometimes, transplant patients do through a rough time dealing with all that has happened and they are so tired, they wish they had just died. I think she experienced a bit of that. She was never the same, energy wise, but she considered all those 16 years as BONUS years to spend with family. She got to know two beautiful grandsons, who happen to be autistic, so she was also a great help, physically and emotionally to my friend, over the years. Her Mom was her best friend, much like my Mom, was mine. The first few weeks, after someone that close dies, it is devistating. You feel like it is surreal... even if they have been ill. The reality that they are REALLY gone, and you will never, in this lifetime, see them or talk to them, again... is overwhelming , to say the least. I used to ache to call my Mom. Just to hear her voice and talk. I would sit by the phone and think about picking it up to ring her. Knowing that was impossible, it was weird. I actually was mad, the first birthday, that went by, and she did not call to sing. I know that sounds irrational, but you just cannot believe that they are GONE. Really gone. And it is so suddent, like a flower being plucked from the ground. One minute you are here, heart beating, breathing, contributing to society in various ways, and the next, nothing. Dishes don't matter. Bills don't matter. You will never consume anything again... you need NOTHING. You take nothing with you. All this material "crap" we surround ourselves with, and define ourselves with, mean absolutely NOTHING. It is a bit overwhelming to come to that realization. And you miss that person so much, it hurts, deep in your soul. I think time helps, but I still miss my Mom to the point I ache. It will be six years on 9/12 and not a day goes by that I do not think of her fondly.

Friday August 21, 2009

I am meeting my friends for breakfast. My Mom always said women are catty and cannot be trusted. For the most part, she was correct. She said if you have one or two trustworthy women friends, in your lifetime, you are blessed. She is correct. There are only a select few who I would totally trust with a secret. I have several friends I could totally count on in an emergency. And there are a few who have trusted me with their deepest secrets. I have never betrayed someone, when they say, do NOT tell. I am a woman of my word. I hope that means something in the big picture. I know I am able to keep a secret and I would never tell just to have the latest juicy piece of gossip.

Wow... a few days have passed. Today is actually a day I want to talk about my greif. Today would have been my Dad's 78th birthday. Six years ago, today, we were planning on going to lunch. My Mom's health had been failing. She had taken Sarah to a movie on the 17th or 18th and almost did not make it, driving home. Sarah was not sure if she was drunk, on drugs, or what was wrong with her. She definitely should NOT have been driving. Her liver and body were failing... her system was shutting down. I made her ago to the hospital on my Dad's birthday, so, he did not get that lunch out. I promised him the next birthday, I would make it up to him... he died four months and one day after my Mom.

August 19... this begins the last three weeks of my Mom's life. I did not know that at the time, or I would have done many things differently. Hind-sight is 20/20... I am glad we do not know what is going to happen, but sometimes it would be nice because I think you would live your life differently. I know now, if I had known then that she would only have three weeks left on this planet, I would have done many things differently.

I remember taking her to the hosptial. Community North. There two of my children, my boys, were brought into this world, and I had lost my Grandmother there, two years ago. My Mom always went to Community. She felt at home there. They knew her and remembered her. Not many people spend as many days, in their lives, in the hospital, as my Mom did. She was a trooper.... and this day was NO exception. She arrived and was so out of it, it took over an hour for them to get an IV in. She did not even wince. So many people would die at much less than my Mom ever suffered. She was very sturdy. She would be gravely ill, go to the hospital and always get patched-up and eventually sent home. It was not to be, this time. Over the years, she had spent every major holiday in the hospital... but, my Dad was NOT happy she was making him miss HIS birthday lunch. (A bit selfish on his part, I must say). I am sure I got her checked in and eventually went home, as I am sure it was around the first week of school and at the time I had a 7th grader, a 3rd grader and one starting transitional kindergarten. I was a busy young Mom of 39.

Wow... just saw the article about the guy who was killed by a boulder in Colorado. I have driven through those mountains... and you see the signs "watch for falling rocks" etc. I have thought, would it NOT be totally weird and your time, if a boulder came crashing down and killed you. Talk about the right place at the wrong time. I am so sorry for this family. Praise God that the Mother was able to take control of the SUV and get the car to safety. I read they had three sons in the car and one was hurt, but expected to recover. I guess when it is your time, it is your time. He was 42. Life is fleeting. You never know what a day will bring. Ten seconds earlier or later on that road would have been the difference of life and death, or perhaps the death of one of their sons. I am sure the wife will play the scene over and over in her head, for the rest of her life. How could you not. She may question God and why he would allow such a thing. I found out a Mom, of three, in Noblesville was having a backache. She was 45, my age. Went to the Dr. and found out it was cancer. She died three weeks later. How is it that some people are so sturdy and can live on and on, and some lives seem so fleeting? Every moment of every day is a gift. I hope I realize and appreciate this, daily.

Wow... afternoon of the first post... I am sure I am the only one that has seen this, but, you never know. Today was interesting, as I was going to go back to bed when the kids all left for school. Then, I decided to watch a program that I dvr'd about hoarders. I watched in horror, as I saw my Mother and a bit of myself in this show. I got out of bed (where I watch TV) and began to clean my kitchen cabinets. One by one, opening and emptying. We have lived here three years and it is amazing that I have never had a "totally" organized kitchen. Here and there, I have done a few things, but with five people in the house, if anything gets put away wrong... well, you know how that goes. Pretty soon, all is a mess. It is 3:51 and I am almost done. Not completely, but there is always tomorrow. I am more ORGANIZED than I was before the show... so, maybe I will not grow up to be cRaZy cAt LaDy... I will fill you in on my Mom and her hoarding, although she never had any cats...

August 14, 2009

First day of new blog... well, first blog ever! I am trying to write a book about my life, and my life keeps getting in the way, of getting it done! I have decided to start a blog and try to write each day. Then, maybe I will get the itch to work on my book. As the title states, I am surviving greif. I think that is the only way to say it. I survive day to day. I lost my parents almost six years ago, four months and one day apart. I have recently started to have nightmares about my mother and her death. Greif is real... greif lasts a LONG time... ask anyone who has lost someone. I was extemely close to my parents. I have been trying to get through each day, since their deaths. I know what you are going to say, "Waa waa"... Greif is real. It is different for each person who experiences it. If you ignore it, it will come back to bite you in the butt. Better to deal with it.