Friday August 21, 2009

I am meeting my friends for breakfast. My Mom always said women are catty and cannot be trusted. For the most part, she was correct. She said if you have one or two trustworthy women friends, in your lifetime, you are blessed. She is correct. There are only a select few who I would totally trust with a secret. I have several friends I could totally count on in an emergency. And there are a few who have trusted me with their deepest secrets. I have never betrayed someone, when they say, do NOT tell. I am a woman of my word. I hope that means something in the big picture. I know I am able to keep a secret and I would never tell just to have the latest juicy piece of gossip.

Wow... a few days have passed. Today is actually a day I want to talk about my greif. Today would have been my Dad's 78th birthday. Six years ago, today, we were planning on going to lunch. My Mom's health had been failing. She had taken Sarah to a movie on the 17th or 18th and almost did not make it, driving home. Sarah was not sure if she was drunk, on drugs, or what was wrong with her. She definitely should NOT have been driving. Her liver and body were failing... her system was shutting down. I made her ago to the hospital on my Dad's birthday, so, he did not get that lunch out. I promised him the next birthday, I would make it up to him... he died four months and one day after my Mom.

August 19... this begins the last three weeks of my Mom's life. I did not know that at the time, or I would have done many things differently. Hind-sight is 20/20... I am glad we do not know what is going to happen, but sometimes it would be nice because I think you would live your life differently. I know now, if I had known then that she would only have three weeks left on this planet, I would have done many things differently.

I remember taking her to the hosptial. Community North. There two of my children, my boys, were brought into this world, and I had lost my Grandmother there, two years ago. My Mom always went to Community. She felt at home there. They knew her and remembered her. Not many people spend as many days, in their lives, in the hospital, as my Mom did. She was a trooper.... and this day was NO exception. She arrived and was so out of it, it took over an hour for them to get an IV in. She did not even wince. So many people would die at much less than my Mom ever suffered. She was very sturdy. She would be gravely ill, go to the hospital and always get patched-up and eventually sent home. It was not to be, this time. Over the years, she had spent every major holiday in the hospital... but, my Dad was NOT happy she was making him miss HIS birthday lunch. (A bit selfish on his part, I must say). I am sure I got her checked in and eventually went home, as I am sure it was around the first week of school and at the time I had a 7th grader, a 3rd grader and one starting transitional kindergarten. I was a busy young Mom of 39.

Wow... just saw the article about the guy who was killed by a boulder in Colorado. I have driven through those mountains... and you see the signs "watch for falling rocks" etc. I have thought, would it NOT be totally weird and your time, if a boulder came crashing down and killed you. Talk about the right place at the wrong time. I am so sorry for this family. Praise God that the Mother was able to take control of the SUV and get the car to safety. I read they had three sons in the car and one was hurt, but expected to recover. I guess when it is your time, it is your time. He was 42. Life is fleeting. You never know what a day will bring. Ten seconds earlier or later on that road would have been the difference of life and death, or perhaps the death of one of their sons. I am sure the wife will play the scene over and over in her head, for the rest of her life. How could you not. She may question God and why he would allow such a thing. I found out a Mom, of three, in Noblesville was having a backache. She was 45, my age. Went to the Dr. and found out it was cancer. She died three weeks later. How is it that some people are so sturdy and can live on and on, and some lives seem so fleeting? Every moment of every day is a gift. I hope I realize and appreciate this, daily.

Wow... afternoon of the first post... I am sure I am the only one that has seen this, but, you never know. Today was interesting, as I was going to go back to bed when the kids all left for school. Then, I decided to watch a program that I dvr'd about hoarders. I watched in horror, as I saw my Mother and a bit of myself in this show. I got out of bed (where I watch TV) and began to clean my kitchen cabinets. One by one, opening and emptying. We have lived here three years and it is amazing that I have never had a "totally" organized kitchen. Here and there, I have done a few things, but with five people in the house, if anything gets put away wrong... well, you know how that goes. Pretty soon, all is a mess. It is 3:51 and I am almost done. Not completely, but there is always tomorrow. I am more ORGANIZED than I was before the show... so, maybe I will not grow up to be cRaZy cAt LaDy... I will fill you in on my Mom and her hoarding, although she never had any cats...

August 14, 2009

First day of new blog... well, first blog ever! I am trying to write a book about my life, and my life keeps getting in the way, of getting it done! I have decided to start a blog and try to write each day. Then, maybe I will get the itch to work on my book. As the title states, I am surviving greif. I think that is the only way to say it. I survive day to day. I lost my parents almost six years ago, four months and one day apart. I have recently started to have nightmares about my mother and her death. Greif is real... greif lasts a LONG time... ask anyone who has lost someone. I was extemely close to my parents. I have been trying to get through each day, since their deaths. I know what you are going to say, "Waa waa"... Greif is real. It is different for each person who experiences it. If you ignore it, it will come back to bite you in the butt. Better to deal with it.